Last year, I met Swati and Aman, a married couple in their thirties, seeking help for their relationship. They had met each other at work place when Swati was 21 and Aman 26. Gradually their relationship progressed from being colleagues to friends. After a little over a year, they started dating each other. There were certain differences in their personalities visible within a few months of dating. They would have regular fights, would break up and soon make up.

After dating for a few years, the couple decided to tie the knot. There was resistance to marriage from both the families since they belonged to different religions. The couple was determined to get married. Finally, the families hesitantly agreed to the marriage. Swati and Aman started living with Aman’s parents after marriage. Their fights settled and they were happy for four years. When the young couple shifted to a separate apartment close to Aman’s parents, Swati started noticing changes in Aman. He seemed unhappy. Swati would be upset seeing him unhappy. Aman would hint that he was not happy to be living away from his parents. This, was just the beginning of a lot of bitter fights that soon followed. When they could not resolve the differences for a couple of months, they came to me on Swati’s suggestion.

It was very evident in the very first couple’s session that this marriage may not work. Both were fearful. While Swati was fearful of losing Aman and the marriage ending, Aman was fearful of staying in the marriage since he felt he was not happy. Swati was very possessive of Aman and would get anxious and have panic attacks at the thought of being separated from him. She was willing to go to any lengths to be together. Aman was feeling suffocated in the marriage. The couple tried to rebuild the relationship, but every time they tried, one of them would get triggered and end up in a fight. Swati’s anxiety and panic attacks were on the rise. I could see that they were both beautiful souls but the difference in age, culture, family values and expectations from marriage were so vast that it would be difficult for them to be happy together. When I tried sharing that with Swati, she was not willing to accept. She would speak about the initial four years of marriage when they were happy.

Around three months into counselling, the couple once had an extremely bitter fight at home which ended in violence. Swati was in a state of shock. That was the day, she decided to end the relationship. It had crossed all boundaries for her. The couple filed for a divorce soon after and decided to part ways with mutual consent.

While Aman has not stayed in touch with me, Swati continued with her sessions. She worked hard on herself, in trying to keep herself focused on making choices which would help her start her life afresh. As difficult as it was, Swati started to work on healing as she was grieving for the relationship that had ended. She changed her job and location to begin with. Today she is in a new job, new house, new city, making new friends. It has been a wonderful experience for me, watching Swati change from being an over anxious, always on the edge, extremely emotional person to someone who is calm, composed, focused and most importantly, happy person. It is not that she doesn’t think of her past. It is not possible to forget that part of one’s life which was very important and dear. There are times when she gets angry or her eyes well up, but she is learning to calm herself down. Swati has decided that she is not going to spend more time and energy thinking about a life that didn’t unfold in a way she had imagined. She has decided to stay focused on what she has rather than grieve over what she doesn’t have. She is grateful for her family and friends’ support through her difficult times. I am really proud of Swati for the way she has evolved as a person.

As a relationship counsellor, I like to witness couples resolve their issues and strengthen their relationship with more mutual understanding, respect, love and both the partners wanting togetherness. However, this was a rare situation where I was pleased to see that Swati decided to quit when it was time.

I have shared only a few aspects of Swati and Aman’s story, on purpose. The reason for sharing is not to highlight the fights in the relationship or divorce as a solution to disputes in couples, but to highlight the timely choice made by the couple.

As a counsellor, I see a lot of resistance in people when it comes to quitting. It could be a student who is struggling with a choice of subjects he/she has chosen in undergrad studies or an employee feeling stagnant in his/her current employment or a person being totally aware of the red flags in his/her relationship. These are situations where it would be relatively less difficult to change the chosen path. I am not saying it will be easy, but it will be less difficult. However, very few people decide to change the path they have chosen. Some of them wait in a job till termination. Some wait till they are rejected by their partner in the relationship. Students wait till they consistently fail exams, while some wait for a miracle to happen and situation to change. People often wait out of a fear of change and the fear of unknown, while some wait because of fear of judgement by family/parents/society.

I have met women who are feeling extremely disrespected and are facing constant emotional abuse and, in some cases, physical abuse by their husbands. They feel stuck in the marriage because they are financially dependent on their spouses. These are women who chose to quit their jobs and become stay at home mothers. They find it very difficult to think of becoming financially self-dependent again. They feel they will not be able to find employment again, without even trying for one. They are not able to make a choice one more time in life, to quit living a life filled with disrespect and insecurity. They have given up on the hope of having a better life. It is very sad to see people become comfortable in their discomfort.

On the other hand, there are other type of people I meet, who are willing to give up easily. In my observation, they do not want to try harder either out of the fear of failure or plain laziness or to avoid being in discomfort of any sort even for a short period of time. These are people who wish to quit quickly or quit to escape the hardship and stress.

As a society we are taught to not give up, keep trying till the end, in whatever we are pursuing or in whatever situation we are in. We are taught, “Try and try till you succeed”. But do we always succeed? May be not always. Does that mean we should not try? No. We definitely must try, because there is a fair chance that we may succeed. If we don’t try, we may have a regret in the future of not having tried. However, I wish, as a society, we could teach our next generation to understand when to quit. To sometimes quit out of choice and not as an escape. There are times when we know intuitively that we have tried enough and it’s time to look at alternate choices. Choices that could make us feel calm, peaceful, happy rather than continuing to be in a constant state of stress, anxiety, insecurity and unhappiness. It is a chance that we have to take to improve our life situation.

Disclaimer:  *To protect the identity of the subjects, personal details, including the names have been changed.